Let's Try This Again.....

Soooo...... It's been awhile. Almost exactly a year, to be precise. And, to put it mildly, a lot has happened since then. Let go from a job, got a new job, laid off from that job, got a new job, laid off from THAT job, and now looking for yet another new job. In the middle of all of that, we've moved to a new place, planning on moving out of state (possibly out of hemisphere), I've had an emergency appendectomy and broken my foot. It seems like the one thing that DIDN'T happen was the end of the world. Of course, we'll have another chance at that in about 7 months.

So, since I've only got about 7 months, I think I'll do a bit of writing. I don't know about what. As usual, it'll probably be a hash of things that make me laugh, piss me off, and otherwise interest or entertain me. So, I suppose we'll start with this:

You may have heard about the protests in Chicago last weekend because of the NATO meetings. I'm not going to get into the politics of this, simply because most everyone reading this knows how I feel, and if you don't, then you probably aren't interested in finding out. One of the things that happened during the protests that went completely unnoticed amidst the transformation of downtown Chicago into the 38th Parallel was this:

Ok, listen. I have no doubt that these guys jumped in front of that van, so I have a hard time completely throwing the driver under the..... well, van, in this case. But c'mon..... Even the Chinese hit the brakes:

I think my bigger issue here is that this received basically no attention at the national level. A little bit after this happened, I jumped onto CNN and MSNBC to see if they were reporting anything about it. I didn't bother with Fox because..... well frankly, why bother? Their headline would probably read something like "Drug-Crazed Commie Pinko Tree-hugging Hippie Rioters Assault Police Van - Heroically outnumbered CPD officer gently nudges them out of the way in self-defense". But I digress. So I check the national websites that might actually report this and..... nothing. Not even a mention. I wasn't expecting a size 47 font headline in flashing red letters across the top, but not even a mention? Huh.

I guess it's just a bit disturbing when, regardless of the circumstances, a police vehicle can run over protesters and it doesn't even warrant being mentioned from any news sources that even attempt to be moderate. Hell, the only reason I heard about it is because I subscribe to a couple of Twitter feeds (yes, I have Twitter, no I don't tweet) that are the kinda-sorta official accounts for Anonymous. I follow them because they link out to some interesting (if incredibly biased) news articles, and because it's a bit surreal to occasionally see a message stating that they've just taken out the website for (in this case) the Chicago police department and the city government.

So, back to the point that I was trying to make. I don't know what the exact circumstances were here. I don't know if that van was responding to a crisis, or if he was just on his lunch break and was SERIOUSLY jonesing for some Quizno's. I also don't know exactly how fast he was going when he was pushing/running over/heroically nudging those protesters, but it looked relatively fast. Not VEYRON fast, of course, but a good solid running speed. And my question is: Why? What was so damned important that he couldn't stop?

So in closing, the lesson that you need to take away from this is as follows: If you're ever driving a van through a riot, don't bother slowing down. The only people that will notice are the ones that you're using as speedbumps.

The End of the World, part one

A note: This post is NOT anti-religion. I'm all in favor of freedom of religion, and you have the right to believe whatever you want as long as you aren't an asshat about it. If it gives you a sense of hope and purpose in your life, I will be the LAST person to talk you out of your beliefs. Rather, this post is anti-stupid. It's targeting those people who don't know how to balance their faith with intelligence. If you're a believer, then the odds are good that you believe that God created us with the ability to think rationally. Seems to me that it'd be a disservice not to use such an ability.


Well, dear people, I just want to say that it's been fun, but seeing as how today is the end of the world (despite the fact that it's already tomorrow elsewhere in the world), I'm afraid we're going to have to call it here. I just don't see much point in continuing to blog after the Rapture, you know? I mean, those of us who are still kicking around are going to be rather busy, what with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse running around, and the various plagues that will be visited upon us, and the being forced to get the mark of the Beast tattooed on us (man, I really hope that they find a nice soft spot to put that. It'd SUCK if it were on a bone). There's only so much time in a day, even in a post-Apocalyptic world.

And make no mistake about it, it IS the end of the world. I mean, this is the 7,000th anniversary of the Great Flood! SOMETHING simply has to happen right? I mean, surely this isn't some arbitrary date that some con artist pulled out of his hat using math that's pretty much guaranteed to be wrong.

I know that this is an exercise in futility, but let's take a look at what's happened the in the past when people have foreseen the end of the world, shall we? Just for giggles. Obviously there are LOADS of times that this has happened, so I'll just stick with the major ones and the ones that make me facepalm the most. Here we go!

In 992, Good Friday coincided with the Feast of the Annunciation. Apparently there are written reports from Germany that a new Sun rose out of the Northern sky, and as many as 3 Suns and moons were doing battle. I took a glance outside, and..... well, let's just say that I'm not buying it.

In 1000, Christian armies fought the heathens in Northern Europe, in an attempt to convert as many people as possible (by force) before the end of the world., saving them whether the liked it or not. In addition, the body of Charlemagne was removed from its tomb, owing to a belief that he was coming back to do battle with the Antichrist. I believe that this was later recreated on Celebrity Deathmatch, now that I think about it....

In another startling feat of math that's remarkably relevant to the modern world, in 1284, Pope Innocent III added 666 years onto the year that Islam was founded, and decided that the end was nigh. Oddly, in the 700+ years since then, attitudes towards Islam remain the same.

Between 1669 and 1690, more than 20,000 people burned themselves alive in Russia, to protect themselves from the rise of the Antichrist. This just goes to show that Russians will do ANYTHING to stay warm.

And from there, it gets really good. October 13, 1736, the date that British theologian William Whitson predicted that a second Noachian (spelling?) flood would hit. Bathing suit sales skyrocket.

1792, the Shakers predict the end of the world. No.

1794, Charles Wesley (one of the founders of Methodism) jumps into the fray. And here I thought that all Methodists were just tea-sipping, simpering pansies about their religion. I mean, he was wrong, but way to set an example!

In one of the more famous events, William Miller predicts that the end will come on 3/21/1843. People go so far as to sell and give away all of their belongings, and gather to wait for the end. Well, obviously he screwed up his math, because nothing happened. After re-crunching the numbers, he then determined that "my bad!" the world was REALLY going to end on 10/22/1844. Word of advice to Mr. Miller.... invest in a better calculator, sir.

Throughout her life, Ellen White (one of the founders of the Seventh Day Adventists) made multiple prophecies about the end of the world. Without exception, they were all wrong. And yet there's still a semi-prominent religion based in part on her teachings. *sigh*

I'm going to copy this bit of brilliance from religioustolerance.org because I'm too lazy to type it out:
1914 was one of the more important estimates of the start of the war of Armageddon by the Jehovah's Witnesses (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society). They based their prophecy of 1914 from prophecy in the book of Daniel, Chapter 4. The writings referred to "seven times". The WTS interpreted each "time" as equal to 360 days, giving a total of 2520 days. This was further interpreted as representing 2520 years, measured from the starting date of 607 BCE. This gave 1914 as the target date. When 1914 passed, they changed their prediction; 1914 became the year that Jesus invisibly began his rule.

Ahem. So let me get this straight..... Jesus began invisibly ruling the world.... in 1914. Really? 19-freaking-14? Am I the only one who's giggling hysterically right now?

And that's not even getting into the REAL nut-jobs that have been so prevalent in the media in this half of the 20th Century, like the Heaven's Gate cult, Branch Davidians, the Movement for the Restoration of the Ten Commandments of God (look them up, it's one of the scariest things you've never heard of), the Manson Family, and the Mayan Prophecy folks (though, to be fair, they've yet to be proven wrong).

So I guess what I'm saying is this: all of these people who have given up everything to travel across the country and spread the word of the impending rapture are possibly the least sympathetic figures I've ever seen. I'm sorry, maybe it makes me a bad person, but I don't feel bad for them in the least. They've done this to themselves. History is overflowing with examples of people who've predicted the end of the world based on "facts" and "math". Guess what? None of them were right. Not one. What makes these people so different? Why are they any different from any of the people that I listed above? Granted, they haven't committed mass suicide. But their reasoning is every bit as faulty, every bit as wrong. They have brains, they have the capability of thinking rationally, and yet they refuse to do so. So tomorrow, when they're all still here, and they're left confused, alone, and let down, I won't feel sympathetic. At most, I'll feel pity. Pity that these people did this to themselves. Pity that they dragged down the people that they loved, their families, their children.

So, if you're a believer, you'd better get cracking on the bucket list. You've got about 5 and a half hours. If you aren't, enjoy your Saturday, and I'll see you tomorrow.

P.S. If you're curious, you can go here and read up on the end of the world. Do it fast, because I'd be willing to bet that the link will be broken sometime tomorrow.

And the Pedo Takes the Cake

So I'm not going to get too deep into what I do for a living. One, it's boring, and two, I'm trying to avoid any kind of personal info like that. With that said, I have to tell a work story, because it's simply too disturbing, hilarious, and frankly just fucking weird not to.

So I get a call from a "gentleman" who needs a service call on the device that we sell. It's broken, I confirm it, and I start to set up an appointment for a technician to go out there. As I'm doing this, the guy continues to talk. He's prattling on about the truck that he's got, and all the work that's been done on it. Spotlights, strobe lights, a lift kit, custom paint, a TV, a PS3...... On and on and on and on. I'm just responding in the most inane and banal way possible, focusing on the work that I'm doing so that I can get off the phone with this tool.

After a few minutes of rambling about his truck, he then says that he's not done with it, and that he's got a list of things that he'd like to do with it. "But of course, if I had the kind of money to really do what I wanted to with it, I probably wouldn't be talking to you, no offense. I'd have my flunkies handling this." "Mmmm," says I.

And then he keeps going. "In fact, if I had that kind of money, I probably wouldn't even be living in Amurica (sic) at this point. Do you realize how expensive cost of living is here compared to other places in the world?" "Mmmm," says I. Of course, there is a reason why those places are so much cheaper to live in, and it mostly has to do with the fact that, nearly without exception, they're hellholes, the armpits of the Earth. But I'm not going to tell this guy about that. I'm not going to explain to him that living like a king in Nicaragua is usually reserved for drug cartels and corrupt government officials...... and they don't usually like competition. Actually, if we're all lucky enough, maybe he'll end up in one of those charming, quaint, third-world warzones..... er..... Central American utopias, and have a lovely experience with some of the local.... characters. You know the ones. They usually look like this guy:

That's from the movie Machete, which to my understanding is a reasonably accurate depiction of life in Central America. But moving on. He then continues to expound upon what it's like to live in such a wonderful place. "I mean, for the same money that would buy you a nice lifestyle here, you can live like a God there! I mean, you can get away with anything! And if anyone has a problem, just slip 'em a few Benjamins, and your problem goes away! It's awesome! You can do whatever you want! Anything! At all!" He then giggles like he's in the middle of a manic episode while doing a line of blow off the stomach of.... well, you get the point. 

He then says the following, which changed my mood from "Man, I want to get off the phone with this douche" to wanting to reach through the phone and pummel him with something hard, heavy, sharp, and possibly on fire: "I mean, all that you need to do is clap your hands and say 'This 15 year old isn't good enough! Bring me another...... and her sister!' And then they'll do it!" And then he giggles again. 

Now, other than the obvious disapproval that I harbor for people who enjoy sex with underage girls, I have a few problems with this statement. One: This asshole doesn't even know me. That makes what he said to me the equivalent of me going up to some random person on the street and saying "Hi, my name's Grubbs, and I like having threesomes with pubescent girls." Now, maybe it's just me, but even if that is the way that I swing, I like to think that I'm smart enough not to TELL anyone that. So not only is he a douche and a pedo, but he's also a dumb-ass. Seriously, he's lucky it was just me he was talking to. It could have been much, much worse for him:

Two: Not only is he a douche, a pedo, and a dumb-ass, but he's also a chickenshit. Hear me out on this. If you're going to say something like that, either go for the gold or shut the hell up. I mean, he said fifteen year olds. which is two years away from being legal (in Georgia, at least). That means that he could have said seventeen year olds, and still maintained the level of creepy that he was going for but, and this is important, he wouldn't have been a pedophile. Just a fuckin' weirdo. On the other hand, were he truly a dedicated whackjob, he should have just gone for it, said what we all know that he was thinking, and told me that he prefers twelve year olds.

Ugh. Having worked in a variety of jobs over the years, I've dealt with my share of customers who are, as we say, a special kind of crazy. But with one exception (the infamous "she's a naughty little girl" creep, the story of which will probably be told at a later date), this particular asshat might just be the worst of the bunch. There is something seriously, seriously wrong with people.

Stereotypical First Post

Well, here we go again. This is now the second blog that I've had, and hopefully this one will do better than the first. So, as the title suggests, this first post will be something of an introduction. So, without further adieu, here we go!

The primary point of this blog is pretty simple. I've almost totally stopped writing since I graduated school, and I miss it. I miss the fun and creativity of it. And frankly, I miss being able to express myself in this medium.

You can expect this to be consistently inconsistent. The topics will be literally all over the map. There are two things that you can count on though: one, as the title suggests, humor, sarcasm, and satire will be the order of the day. My life philosophy is that from the right perspective, EVERYTHING is funny. The second thing is that I won't get too deep into politics or religion. Other than that, anything is fair game.

On that note, I'm going to wrap up this first post, because let's be honest with ourselves, we're all bored by it at this point.